Put in the Right Arm Attack animation and started on the animator transitions.
Whereupon, abruptly and for no apparent reason, the project decided to nut all over my hopes and dreams. As far as I can tell, the Armor Handler script simply decided that it was no longer connected to a GameObject and BROKE. EVERYTHING.
Then I stopped recording because it was just me fumbling about, trying to determine what the hell happened, and then went to help fix a chair.